July 2012

Is it wrong that I want to fast forward?  To completely skip through teh child’s teenage years until she is 18 and out of high school?  I realize she won’t magically move out on her birthday, but I need to set a goal date to look toward. The episode with her getting in trouble for her little “hey guys my parents aren’t home party” has really scarred me.  I feel evil.  I don’t want to deal with her, I don’t want to deal with the arguments with her father about her.  I just want to run away.

I won’t, of course.  That wouldn’t be very adult of me.  But I would be lying if I said I wasn’t having any regrets about her moving in.  I miss my “me time”.  I miss being able to walk out of the bathroom after a shower and casually strolling to the bedroom to get my clothes.  I miss the smaller grocery bills (but not the higher child support, so I think that cancels the other out). I miss being noisy with the Mister, if you catch my drift.

I liked not listening to trivial teenage issues, but for every other weekend and sometimes on Wednesdays.  I liked not being responsible for any other human but myself.  I liked having beer after work on a Tuesday just because I felt like it and not worrying about what impressions it made on someone else.  I liked talking about whatever, whenever, and not having to screen my conversations.

I want to be able to go where I want, when I want, like I used to, without having someone accompany me.  Unless of course, that someone is the Mister, in which case we are probably heading out for dinner and some drinks, maybe on the bike.  You know, like a date.  With no curfew.  Because we don’t have to be home for anyone.

I’m going through a tough time with this.  I’m not sure how to move past it.  I’ll deal with it, I know.  And I will get past it, I know this too.  But I just wish I still had a life.  A life that was mine.  Not theirs. Not one that is waiting for fun.  Not one that only wakes up, goes to work, comes home, eats dinner, watches TV, sleeps, rinse and repeat.

For now, I am just existing, not even content.  Just tolerating life until it can be fun and happy and mine again. Feeling guilt because of it.

The total number of days between Friday, June 5th, 2009 and Sunday, July 15th, 2012 is 1,136 days.

This is equal to exactly 3 years, 1 month, and 10 days.

That is a lot of time to put my life on hold.

This is why I chose not to have children.

This, I clearly did not think through, because I did not have all of the information I have now.

This, makes me feel trapped.

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2 responses to “July 2012

  1. I raised a step-son. I felt everything you feel. Everything. The fact that he was so much better off with us than his selfish mother did not outweigh my feelings of resentment that he was never in the equation of our marriage to start with. He definitely needed us. I didn’t need him.

    Time moves forward. He left, married someone I could be friends with, and I now have a man I can depend on if ever there is trouble.

    It’s so hard. It’s harder than raising your own kid. She came with much baggage that isn’t your fault. It will end, the hard part, and you just have to keep it together for yourself. I hope you end up with someone you can be friends with.

    • Thank you so much Molly. I know I will get through this, and I know, at least I hope, that someday she will appreciate what I did for her. And then I will have a friend. It’s just hard right now, and I AM selfish, and writing about it helps. Especially when I get advice from someone like you.

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