Tales from MoronNation

A few weeks before Christmas, the buffalo decided she was picking up the child after work, so teh child could accompany teh buffalo and her Knight-in-Shining-Aluminum-Beer-Can (KSABC) to choose a Christmas tree. Which the buffalo was “ready to decorat”, according to her myspace page. DECORAT. The oldest, ended up coming for the child, because she got called off work and was already out. The oldest hung out with Mister and the child at our house for a little while, drank two pops because she “never gets pop”, and then they decided they’d better get going so they could commence Christmas decorating festivities. They left shortly before I got home, and shortly after I got home, the buffalo called to find out where the girls were – because she was ready to DECORAT, I assume. Mister informed her they just left a little bit ago and should be there soon.

I Mister and I headed out for some Christmas shopping, thinking it was nice to not feel bad for leaving the child at home while we do fun stuff, since she out was having fun with her mom.

PSH. What were we thinking?

The next morning, as Mister was waiting in the truck at the bus stop with the child, she informed him they didn’t get a tree. Why? Because KSABC was in a bad mood. Why was KSABC in a bad mood? Because he was mad at himself for ripping off Worker’s Comp? Because he lost a really good job at the County for said ripping off? Because his oldest daughter is a train wreck high school drop out?

No. While all of the above are true, the anger was because of Verizon.

You see…Verizon recently installed a cell phone tower across the street from their fine homestead. And apparently Verizon offered a very prestigious position to the oldest’s on-again/off-again boyfriend (who is a complete moron, and not well-liked by the Mister). Anyway. The position consisted of calling a phone number daily to report the status of the flashing beacon atop the tower. Flashing or not-flashing. A very complicated and time-consuming procedure. In return for his time and dedication, he would be compensated $1000 monthly. Alas, the boyfriend failed in his duties to inform Verizon of the beacon status, not even incorrectly reporting “It’s on. It’s off. It’s on. It’s off.” Verizon then deemed the boyfriend unqualified for this position, and determined that KSABC should be given the opportunity to start a career at Verizon as Beacon Flasher Reporter. The boyfriend, however, refused to release KSABC’s phone number to the boss, and unbeknownst to KSABC, the job opportunity was lost.

Upon hearing of the loss of this spectacular opportunity and bonus monthly income (we’re goin’ to Disney World, ya’ll!!!), KSABC decided that the only way to right this atrocious wrong was to deny his family a Christmas tree.

That’ll show ‘em who’s boss of MoronNation.

~anastasia: Hey? What’s that flashing red light?


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