No, No, and Hell Fuck No.

I need to stop overextending myself. I need to realize that I do not have to help every single person I know who needs help. Especially if helping that person means getting someone else involved. I have always been the one that tries to fix everything for everyone, usually at my own expense, and I’m tired of it. Nobody ever goes out of their way for me. Ever. So why should I? Since, after almost 30 years, I have not received anything in return for being this way, I’m not likely to in the future.

So, to everyone out there…

No. I will not cut your hair. Or color your hair. Or perm your hair. (Really. A perm? Come on. The 80s have left the station. Unless you are a grandma with white hair, you have no business getting a perm.) If you are not my immediate family (whom I still fell obligated to – baby steps, baby steps) I will not offer my services to you. I stopped working as a hairdresser years ago. Because I hated it. I do not want to cut your hair, now, nine years later. Because I still hate it. Whether you pay me or not. I don’t like it, I don’t need to, and I don’t want to. I’m not going to. Do not ask. I will say “No. I don’t do that anymore.” And when you ask “Why not?” I will simply say “Because I don’t.” No explanation.

No. I will not fix your computer. Especially if you only call me when your computer is giving you trouble and never to say “Hey, wanna get together or hang out or something?” I do this for a living. That means I get paid for it. It also means that I don’t want to do it when I am not getting paid for it. As a favor to you. Why? What will I get in return? More annoying phone calls from you the next time you booger it up? This wouldn’t make me so angry, except that 99.9% of the time, the problems on these computers are caused by operator error. The ID-10-T error. The you are so fucking stupid you shouldn’t even be allowed to leave the house unsupervised let alone have a computer that connects to the fucking interet error. And no, Bill Gates is not going to send you money and you will not get pricked by a hypodermic needle when you pick up the gas pump. Seriously people. And you know what else? Please, for the love of all things sacred, please do not talk continuously to the next poor sap you convince to look at your worthless Gateway laptop running Windows 98. It’s bad enough to have to wade through all of the spyware and other crap you have installed by means of stupidity causing it to wonk out, but to have to listen to you drone on and on while doing so is torture. Shut. Up.

No. I will not call my brother to fix your car. You call my brother. What? You dont’ know his last name? Then we clearly aren’t close enough friends to warrant me calling him to fix your car so you don’t have to pay the dealership. That is his job. He gets paid for it. He doesn’t want to have to do it and not get paid for this. It is not his hobby. Is your brother going to do something free for me? What? You don’t have a brother? Your brother is in prison? Then you do something free for me. Oh, and my brother doesn’t drink. Don’t pay him with a six pack.

These are the three things that I continue to have people request of me. And these are the three things that I will no longer agree to do. I’m sure I will feel a twinge of guilt each time I say no, and I will have the overwhelming need to justify my answer so as not to hurt the other person’s feelings. However, I am confident that each time will be easier. And I will feel better for not allowing people to take advantage of the fact that I just try to be a nice person.

Do it your fucking self.

I do.


4 responses to “No, No, and Hell Fuck No.

  1. Hey, my hair got caught in my laptop while I was using it to prop up my car’s hood to see if the dishwasher detergent I was using ass coolant is the reason my car won’t start, and now my laptop won’t start either, and my hair is a mess.

    Can you fix everything for me?


  2. Heh! You’re in Atlanta right? I’m on the next flight.

  3. And those same users can’t borrow any money either. There’s a long line of people waiting to ask who have no intention of repaying. So, just start practicing the “NO” and maybe you’ll survive the next line-up.

    Oh, by the way, my last haircut…

  4. You know, these are the same people who want me to call my sister to cut their hair, my brother in law to fix their car, and me to come fix their computer. They drive you nuts. Tell me how no goes. Maybe i can try it.

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